Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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