Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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