it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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