I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
