just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
