On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
