i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
