Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
