Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
