i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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