Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
