My liver just broke up with me...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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