I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
