Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
