hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
