Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
