hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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