i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
