yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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