I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
