Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
