Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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