Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
