Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
