you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
