he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
