my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
