thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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