My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
