Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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