I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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