just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
