ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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