isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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