Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she woke up with a sticky ear
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
