I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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