Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
