I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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