All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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