apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
