Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
