I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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