You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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