good thing vaginas are great cup holders
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
