Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
