I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
