You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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