U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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