I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
