I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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