it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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