nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
