fuck your aforementioned shoe
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
