I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
